letters to myself

something about me being an ISTJ

i don’t do small talks.
i go straight to the point.
i see each task as part of a to-do list.
i don’t know if this is bad.
seems like i’m pretty impersonal and lack the human touch?
i need to appologise for being too ‘directive’ and ‘on task’.
sorry to the people whom i’m working with.
this is just me. part of my personality.
i’m an ISTJ.

Read more: http://www.16personalities.com/istj-personality

little cuz

i have a little cousin, age 10, let’s call him ‘little cuz’.
little cuz is creating havoc in school again! uncle had a little chat with mum over the phone about parenting.
little cuz recently triggered the fire alarm in school. there was no actual fire. i think he did it for fun.
i have no idea why he did that.
he seems so nice everytime i see him. he’s not even hyper-active.
he’s usually quiet, won’t dare to lift a finger when my uncle tells him to stay still.
but when he’s in school, he pushed a girl down the stairs, disobeyed teacher’s instruction, and this time triggered the fire alarm!
my uncle is a believer in physical punishment. i see scars on little cuz’s thighs.
did his physical punishment work?
i don’t think so, judging from the school complains. :P
my mum became all so proud to ‘show off’ her teachings of love and how she doesn’t cane us and how we grow up to become ‘wonderful children’.
i have to admit. i never got caned in my whole life. no physical punishments ever suffered in my entire 21 years of life.
but mum told a lie.
she was ‘physical’ towards my sis.
i guess she’s not as ‘obedient’ as me when i was young haha. but my little sis is a fighter. she broke the cane. and of course i help to hide the cane from my mum lol. but that was just for a fairly short period of time- like a few occasions? don’t think mum can sustain the physical punishment method because she cried more than us when she caned my sis. too heartbreaking to make it a long-term punishment. for our whole family. :(
to be honest, there is no such thing as the best parenting method. if a method fails, it is a bad method. if the method works, well, you get your ‘obedient’ child!
in this case, i think little cuz is probably with some bad company in school. peer influence can be the root of the problem. little cuz is probably too used to being told what to do. at home, he’s told what to do by my uncle. in school, he’s told what to do by his bad company of friends. he doesn’t know what is wrong or right about what he has done. he doesn’t know how to think. he is not ‘bad’ because he is willing to be held responsible for what he has done. he didn’t run away when he got caned. he didn’t choose to hide his mistakes when the adults questioned him.
no matter which method my uncle ultimately chooses to discipline little cuz, be it the physical punishment method or the teachings of love method, i hope he understands the importance of educating little cuz on self-awareness and making personal judgements. these are essential life skills. some adults lack these skills and ended up making big mistakes, even in their adulthood.
if i were a parent, i won’t raise my child to be someone ‘obedient’ but someone who is expressive, won’t be swayed by others, and knows clearly what he/she wants.
there’s really no best way of raising a kid. i don’t blame the parents. every parent has no prior experience in parenting. :)

thanks!

i didn’t use any words.
i merely use my actions to show my support.
did you see it?
did you feel it?
no matter what plans you have, i’ll be your support.
thanks for taking care of me.
this is my way of thanks-giving.

:(

sometimes i wish i’m not that ‘loud’ on social media.
i want to bury myself now.
deeply embarrassed by the ‘achievements’ i’ve made.
there is really nothing to be proud of.
especially when i see my ex-rival in class interning at a law firm even before matriculation (ORD-ed, waiting for matriculation). we don’t usually talk in class but i know we’re silently competing with each other.
i saw your eyes widen when you knew i got the law internship in year 1 and you didn’t. i didn’t know you were actually bothered by it until i saw your reaction. you didn’t go on stage during results day. i have no idea how you made it to smu law.
now that you got what i want, i hope you are happy.
linkedin is such good tool for ‘accidental stalking.’
i lost.
you happy?
i hope you can continue to work hard or else i’ll catch up with you in some other ways.
don’t forget that i graduate earlier than you!

what you see may not be what you get

read about how a marriage fell apart…. they met each other in uni. got married after graduation. had the most extravagant wedding and honeymoon. something people will be envious about. but when the guy no longer have the ability to let the girl lead a life of a tai- tai, she left him for another guy.

i do feel sad for the guy. but hey! it’s partly your fault. if you’re are not rich. don’t act rich. because when you try to act rich, you’ll attract people who are interested in your wealth. and when they find out that you’re in fact not as rich as they think, they’ll leave you. if you’re making your vast fortune appear as the most attractive trait in you, then naturally, you’ll only attract materialistic people. it’s perfectly fine if you’re rich enough to live up to the expectations of your materialistic ‘friends’ but don’t complain when they leave you for someone richer than you.

to materialistic girls, you are speculators. you follow the ‘market’ closely. you know exactly who are the current ‘princes’ and ‘paupers’. you want instant ‘gains’, ‘fast cash.’ even if it requires you to ‘short-sell’ your existing relationship for something bigger out there in the ‘market’. but then again, high returns involve high risks. you might not get what you want in the end and may lose everything. besides, as you age, you ‘depreciate’, your value will drop and there might be a chance that you have no ‘residual value’ to the ‘market’. why haven’t you consider ‘investment’? invest your time and love on a man who may not be ‘listed’ at first but groom him to become one of the ‘hottest share’ in the ‘market’. of course, make sure you still own the ‘share’ in the end, don’t sell him out! this has a higher probability of constant ‘returns’ (be it love or money) as you ‘depreciate’.

i’m an investor. i’m don’t rush into things. neither am i picky. i just don’t want to waste time and effort on bad ‘investments’. of course it takes time to do your ‘stock-pick’, but never go for what is ‘trending’. he might be a pauper in disguise.

moral of the story: what you see may not be what you get. it takes time to see the true colours of a person.

me. me. me. just me.

had a bad day today. tried to run it off in the evening.

while running up a slope, i had the impulse to just let myself go and roll down the slope where i can land myself on the green grass, lie on my back and watch the clouds, something which i like to do very much but doesn’t interest me anymore. i didn’t do it in the end. i merely walked uphill instead. the silent hill. i have no idea how to verbalise what i went through today. i’m always independent. in fact too independent that no one will find it strange if i’m alone.

for the first time in a very long time, i actually dread being alone. i feel so lonely. the silence made me shiver under 32 degrees celcius. my sweat was like melting ice. all i could hear was my own breathing. no sounds of cars or crying babies or chattering elderly or chirpy birds. i could only hear myself.

now that i realise for days, weeks and possibly months, i’m spending 8 hours every weekday on my own, excluding sleeping hours, not speaking to anyone. i didn’t find this a problem until now. i think i’m starting to hate being alone.

if an 89% introvert hates being alone, i guess it is true that humans are social beings. social media, you’re not helping much and in fact, you are discouraging me from actual talking. exams, you owe me a big one. i’m going all out to have fun after exams. not with myself but with actual human beings.